Nose Hair

My nose has lots of hair in,
It’s really quite appalling.
I guess it comes in handy though
To stop the bogey falling.
If you had shaved your nose hair,
Or had your nostrils waxed,
It could fall out at any time –
You’d never feel relaxed.

I Really Like Going To Festivals

My sleeping bag’s eroded,
My tent’s a little smelly,
A can of beer exploded,
I’ve only brought one welly.
The ground’s a bit uneven,
I left my shades in Kent,
And Stu’s been sick on Steven,
Who’s sleeping in my tent.
My phone is nearly dying,
The stage is really far,
A chunky girl is crying,
The sun-cream’s in the car.
My tent-flap keeps unfurling,
I didn’t bring a towel,
Stu just won’t stop hurling,
And Steven’s smelling foul.

I Don’t Have A Laundry Basket

Instead I use a cardboard box
To store my dirty pants and socks,
Until I take them, make them clean,
Inside the drum of that machine.

Bored: A Villanelle

I sometimes just get bored.
Television’s rarely great.
No things to look toward.

I’ll try and learn a seventh chord.
Or dress up Greek and drop a plate.
I sometimes just get bored.

My social life is somewhat flawed.
I’m bored of every single mate.
No things to look toward.

I’ll dig a hole and build a fjord
Or fight the dog and dominate.
I sometimes just get bored.

I’ll tease the cat until I’m gored,
Or learn how dolphins menstruate.
No things to look toward.

I’ll drink up like a lord.
And sit, and think, and contemplate.
I sometimes just get bored.
No things to look toward.

Riding Home

I rode home from the pub without a helmet in the rain,
And Jesus, holy shit guys, I’m not doing that again.
Drunk plus rain plus lack of head protection timesed by skids
Equals patiently explaining how I died to all my kids.

Hazel

I never knew who Hazel was. I couldn’t quite remember.
I found her number on my phone hungover last December.
The night before was all a blur of drinking way too heavily,
Not having eaten any tea (not really very cleverly).
I never thought to ring her as I’d no clue who she was,
But thought I’d keep her number on my phone, like, just because.
But last weekend I lost my phone – I left it on a bus
(I’ve got quite good insurance so it isn’t too much fuss).
I’ll never get that number back, which makes me slightly sad,
As though I’d never ring, it was just nice to know I had.

On A Wall

It’s nice to be important,
More important to be nice.
I saw that on a wall once
And it seemed like good advice.

Silver

I sort of thought I’d win that time.
I really really reckoned.
And, though I claim I’m quite content,
I’m quite upset with second.

Sun Cream

The vital importance of sun cream
Is importance that I never learned,
And so, when I went to the seaside,
I got quite unpleasantly burned.

My Hands

Don’t look at my hands.
My hands look all wrong.
They’re blotchy and weird
And the nails are too long.
And they got really burned
Back when I was a kid,
So my hands have aged more
Than the rest of me did.