Wearing An Arse As A Helmet

I was wearing an arse as a helmet,
For reasons on which I won’t dwell.
The tightness was rather unpleasant,
But nothing compared to the smell.
The odour was fearsome and horrid,
Which wasn’t a massive surprise.
My stomach began minor spasms,
And I felt bile beginning to rise.
I thought a deep breath could be helpful,
So I opened my mouth and inhaled,
But my mouth was encased in the anus,
So the feelings of nausea prevailed.
I’ve smelt lots of things in my lifetime,
But this was the absolute worst.
I retched, and my muscles contracted,
And vomit came out in a burst.
The rectum was tight, as I’ve mentioned.
There wasn’t a whole lot of space,
So the puke merely bounced off the arse wall,
And spread itself over my face.
My up-chuck got into my eyebrows,
My vomit got into my ears,
My bilious sick stung my eyeballs,
And the barf mixed with mucous and tears.
This wasn’t a pleasant adventure,
But I think that I’ve learned something from it:
Do not wear an arse as a helmet –
If you must do, please try not to vomit.

On A Wall

It’s nice to be important,
More important to be nice.
I saw that on a wall once
And it seemed like good advice.

If You Want Folks To Like You

If you want folks to like you
Then you do this when you meet them:
Imagine they’re a genius,
And that’s how you should treat them.
Behaving as though everyone
Deserves a Nobel Prize
Will make them really happy,
And you’ll kick ass in their eyes.

If

If you had met the folks I’ve met
And done the things I’ve done,
If you had worked the hours I’ve worked,
And run the miles I’ve run,
If you had said what I have said
And seen what I did see –
If you had done these things, my friend,
You’d bloody well be me.

Four Lessons Farts Taught Me

1
Don’t eat seven tins of beans
If, later on, you’re meeting queens.
(I let one out while quite excited,
Upon my knees while being knighted.)

2
Cabbage as a breakfast food
Might later make folks think you’re rude
(Especially if you make a stench
While dining with Dame Judi Dench).

3
Eating eggs with every meal
Will not enhance the way you feel
(And the resultant eggy boff
May cause your wife to wander off).

4
Breakfast of a lamb jalfrezi
Is nothing short of outright crazy.
(I should have known where that was heading
Before I wrecked my daughter’s wedding.)