I Love You, I Swear

I have to bloody say this –
I gitting well adore you.
I’ve felt this since the first time
I arsing turding saw you.
You’re really bastard stunning,
I twatting love your hair,
It bollockses my mind up
And makes me cocking swear.
My heart goes dickhead crazy,
I’m farting hooked on you,
So when you’re sodding near me,
The air turns titting blue.
Now hold my fucking hand, dear.
We’ll speak as we see fit,
And I can be your wanker,
And you my piece of shit.

Hazel

I never knew who Hazel was. I couldn’t quite remember.
I found her number on my phone hungover last December.
The night before was all a blur of drinking way too heavily,
Not having eaten any tea (not really very cleverly).
I never thought to ring her as I’d no clue who she was,
But thought I’d keep her number on my phone, like, just because.
But last weekend I lost my phone – I left it on a bus
(I’ve got quite good insurance so it isn’t too much fuss).
I’ll never get that number back, which makes me slightly sad,
As though I’d never ring, it was just nice to know I had.

A Limerick About Sex And Violence

It wasn’t your cheek that I kissed.
I went for your cheek but I missed –
You tilted your head
So we touched lips instead
Then your boyfriend extended his fist.

It Would Be A Mistake

It would be a mistake,
And would clearly be wrong,
But I’d happily make
Such mistakes all night long.

Chip Shop Girl

A pretty girl just sold me chips
And brightened up my day.
Perhaps I should have told her.
Should I go back and say?
“You’ve made my day a better one
By being oh so pretty.
Just seeing you has made the world
Thirteen percent less shitty”.
She probably wouldn’t like it,
She’d be freaked out I think,
But maybe she’d be flattered
And we’d go out for a drink.
Perhaps she’d lean towards me
And she’d kiss me on the lips
And then she’d be my girlfriend
As romance would bloom from chips.

That Top

I’m not a stupid man, you know.
I’m really rather bright.
I know that top you’re wearing
Is intended to excite.
I won’t be taken in by how
It’s really really tight.
Your ploy won’t work on me, you know.
(I’m lying – yes it might.)

I Gave Away My Woolly Hat

I gave away my woolly hat –
A pretty girl was cold.
And beautiful, and nice, and French,
A mere nineteen years old.
I felt my act showed chivalry
Was not completely dead,
But I don’t think she noticed that,
And I’ve a freezing head.

Once

You kissed me once, and it was great,
The only night we met.
I didn’t know where you were from
Or know your surname yet.
I found it out on Facebook though
When several weeks had passed –
The moment, though, had long gone,
And I just could not be arsed.

I’m An Unattractive Man

I’m an unattractive man.
I have been all my life.
And yet I still expect to get
A stunner of a wife.
That I entertain this notion
Is really quite absurd,
Yet I’d rather be delusional
Than wed an ugly bird.