Typing

Typing really bores me.
It’s tedious. In fact, I’ll
Use a pen and paper –
It’s really nice and tactile.

Aloha

I met you at a luau.
I should have acted cooler.
Instead I just got arseholed,
And tried to do the hula.

My 1980s Night In

I had a can of Vimto,
My kicks were looking bitchin’.
I didn’t have fresh plans tonight
So chilled there in my kitchen.
Mobiles weren’t invented yet,
I couldn’t buzz the gang,
So sat inside and had a drink,
Enjoying ’80s slang.

Pig Riding

I’ve got a pig I like to ride,
His name is Little Scott.
I’m really good at riding pigs,
While lots of folks are not.

Ladies’ Knickers

I’m wearing ladies’ knickers.
It isn’t for a bet.
It isn’t for a fetish,
It just helps my silhouette.

Hand Gesture

This manual gesture represents the sentiment of hate.
It does so by involving fingers number three and eight.

The Unemployed Magician

I don’t get much call to do tricks any more.
Not since that time that I used the wrong saw.

Thumbs

A thumb upon my right hand,
But not upon my left.
One hand is quite intact, you see,
The other’s thumb-bereft.

My Pants Fell Down

My pants fell down at work today.
I felt a little daft.
We had a lot of customers
And several of them laughed.
My pants fell down at work today.
It really was appalling.
I wish I’d had the reflexes
To stop the buggers falling.
My pants fell down at work today.
The worst I’ve ever felt.
If only I’d had foresight
I’d have probably worn a belt.
My pants fell down at work today.
And lots of people saw.
I have a funny feeling
I don’t work here anymore.

My Tattoo

The tattoo that I have is amazing,
And everyone thinks that it’s cool.
My whole body’s been made to look like
I’m wearing a yellow cagoule.