The Unmasking Of Uncle Batman

You’d sit and regale me with tale after tale
Of adventures you’d had in the past.
The stories you told of the brave and the bold
Would leave me in awe and aghast.
“Tell me one more, Uncle Batman” I’d roar,
And you’d try to be modest and blush,
Pretending I’d rather your brother (my father)
Had kept who you were all hush-hush.
But I really must mention, you loved the attention
As you told me the tales of your capers.
Til I, like a fool, showed off too much in school,
And your name got in all of the papers.
The media freaked, as I sort of had leaked
The discovery you’d so far escaped,
And I was to blame, and they all knew your name –
The Crusader was rendered un-caped.

Pythagoras

Mathity mothity,
Mister Pythagoras
Fiddled with angles,
Invented a rule.
Now you can simply work
Out the hypotenuse,
Circomlocuting
Appearing a fool.

I’m Good Friends With Jesus Christ

I’m good friends with Jesus Christ,
And he’s good friends with me.
He taught me to love the world
And I taught him to ski.
I’m good friends with Jesus Christ,
For he gave me a chance
To live an everlasting life,
And I taught him to dance.
I’m good friends with Jesus Christ.
He’s really quite a chap.
He showed me the way to live
And I taught him to rap.

Elvis Impersonator

A normal day inside the pub.
A man walked in the door.
Then suited up inside the loo
And Elvis took the floor.
The jumpsuit looked a little cheap,
His belt was unconvincing.
This looked a little awful.
A lot of us were wincing.
But then he started singing
And his voice was full of soul.
He was genuinely awesome
As the King of Rock’n'Roll.
It seems a little bleak though –
I’d rather fail as me
Than dazzle as a trucker’s son
From Memphis, Tennessee.

Punch The Villain, Arnie

Punch the villain, Arnie.
Fire the massive gun.
Have the wacky sidekick.
Watching you is fun.
Kiss the pretty lady.
Say the funny line.
Blow up all the baddies,
And everything is fine.

Celebrity

Everyone is equal, that’s how I have always felt,
Regardless of their status or the cards their lives have dealt.
I shan’t be swayed by wealth or creed or how good people look,
We’re people, we’re all people, we’re all equal in my book.
But it’s hard to feel egalitarian and all serene,
When the people in the room with you are stars of stage and screen,
And it’s hard to be all modest when you feel that effervescence,
That comes with the reality of famous peoples’ presence.
When somebody who’s with you has reached fame that is extreme,
It’s great for juicy anecdotes but shite for self-esteem.

That Bloke From That Thing Was In Here Earlier

That bloke from that thing with the people.
You know him, that one with the hair.
He was standing there, right where you’re standing.
Imagine that! Standing right there!
His name is, shit, give me a minute.
He was good in that advert before,
Where he talks to the girl from that programme
That was in that dead good thing on Four.
He’s hard to describe, he’s just normal,
He crops up on the box all the time.
He was in that one thing with the doctors,
And that rubbishy one about crime.

Judas

If Judas didn’t do that stuff
They mention in the Bible,
He ought to get his lawyers in
And sue them all for libel.

I Don’t Look Like Hugh Jackman

I don’t look like Hugh Jackman,
Though I’d love to look like him.
It’s just, I never exercise;
I’ve never joined a gym.
Once I get round to doing so,
I’ll soon look like Brad Pitt.
(Or maybe I’ll continue
To gain weight and look like shit.)