I Am Not At Work Today

I woke up this morning,
My skull filled with snot,
My throat raw and scratchy,
My forehead all hot.
I went to the doctor,
Who said go to bed.
I sat in the lounge
With my duvet instead.
Honey and lemon,
A big-screen TV,
A re-run of Frasier
And a tablet or three.

Do Flies Do Wees?

Do flies do wees? I’d like to know.
I’m not sure how to find out though.
I don’t have any expertise
In finding out if flies do wees.
The passing out of inside waste
Is a tenet on which life is based:
A fly’s a creature, it excretes
(And breathes and grows, and also eats.
It also moves, responds to things,
And procreates, plus totes has wings.)
Now, I do wees, and I do poos,
Both number ones and number twos,
But does a fly do poos and wees,
Or somehow mix up both of these?
Like, maybe flies find one enough –
A single type of toilet stuff.
If so, then, which is it to be?
Do flys do poo or flies do wee?
I can’t stop thinking once I start.
I wonder now if dolphins fart.

Girls With Interesting Hair

I like when girls have got interesting hair that is really annoying to draw.
Like short bits or bleached bits or off-balance parts, or dreadlocks or weird bits or more.
And I like when girls have got interesting views as their lives have been different to mine,
As they’re from somewhere wacky or did loads of things, or they claim to have seen the divine.
And I like when girls have got interesting skills as their lives taught them different talents,
And they juggle or limbo or sing or can dance, or just have awesome senses of balance.
And I like when girls have got interesting clothes and they really think through what they wear,
But there’s nothing as great in the whole of the world as a girl who has interesting hair.

My Plan For Having Children

Adopt them when they’re twenty,
Avoiding all the bits
When they’re stupid and annoying,
The horrid little shits.

Acrostic Acrostic

Acrostics you don’t see much.
Creating them takes ages,
Rewarding very little,
Only praise and never wages.
So cast aside acrostics,
Traditions left in time.
I’m going back to limericks
Cos they’re funny and they rhyme.

Nose Hair

My nose has lots of hair in,
It’s really quite appalling.
I guess it comes in handy though
To stop the bogey falling.
If you had shaved your nose hair,
Or had your nostrils waxed,
It could fall out at any time –
You’d never feel relaxed.

Typing

Typing really bores me.
It’s tedious. In fact, I’ll
Use a pen and paper –
It’s really nice and tactile.