I was wearing an arse as a helmet,
For reasons on which I won’t dwell.
The tightness was rather unpleasant,
But nothing compared to the smell.
The odour was fearsome and horrid,
Which wasn’t a massive surprise.
My stomach began minor spasms,
And I felt bile beginning to rise.
I thought a deep breath could be helpful,
So I opened my mouth and inhaled,
But my mouth was encased in the anus,
So the feelings of nausea prevailed.
I’ve smelt lots of things in my lifetime,
But this was the absolute worst.
I retched, and my muscles contracted,
And vomit came out in a burst.
The rectum was tight, as I’ve mentioned.
There wasn’t a whole lot of space,
So the puke merely bounced off the arse wall,
And spread itself over my face.
My up-chuck got into my eyebrows,
My vomit got into my ears,
My bilious sick stung my eyeballs,
And the barf mixed with mucous and tears.
This wasn’t a pleasant adventure,
But I think that I’ve learned something from it:
Do not wear an arse as a helmet –
If you must do, please try not to vomit.