When Kate and I got married we were young and we were stupid,
Two kids convinced our love would be the strongest in the land.
We thought that we were special, that our love was bound by Cupid,
But life just didn’t pan out in the way that we had planned.
Years went by, the kids arrived, we slipped into a funk,
We started talking less and less, as many find is true,
But then I really slipped up when, while really really drunk,
I got off with the intern at the office Christmas do.
I staggered home, my eye bright red, my speech a drunken slur,
We had a massive argument, the word “divorce” arose.
Proceedings came, proceedings went, the kids would go with her.
I wept in court, a salty torrent running down my nose.
That night, when I got home into the bedsit where I’d moved,
I vowed that I’d be better than I ever had before.
I read some self-improvement books, and think that I improved –
I even joined a gym (although my depth-perception’s poor).
I got a posher haircut, now I moisturise and cleanse,
I’m working on my diet – healthy body, healthy mind.
I went to the opticians, got a massive contact lens
(Though opticians that did contacts quite so big were hard to find).
I think I’m doing well, and really feel that I’m proceeding –
The break-up really showed me what’s important in my life.
I’m trying to be better, and I think that I’m succeeding,
And getting on amazingly with Kate my former wife.
The highlight of my month is when the kiddies come on by,
I always have fun things to do when they come round and stay.
I get them for the weekend, though because I’ve got one eye,
It feels as though I’ve only got to see them for a day.
Archive for June, 2009
Wearing An Arse As A Helmet
I was wearing an arse as a helmet,
For reasons on which I won’t dwell.
The tightness was rather unpleasant,
But nothing compared to the smell.
The odour was fearsome and horrid,
Which wasn’t a massive surprise.
My stomach began minor spasms,
And I felt bile beginning to rise.
I thought a deep breath could be helpful,
So I opened my mouth and inhaled,
But my mouth was encased in the anus,
So the feelings of nausea prevailed.
I’ve smelt lots of things in my lifetime,
But this was the absolute worst.
I retched, and my muscles contracted,
And vomit came out in a burst.
The rectum was tight, as I’ve mentioned.
There wasn’t a whole lot of space,
So the puke merely bounced off the arse wall,
And spread itself over my face.
My up-chuck got into my eyebrows,
My vomit got into my ears,
My bilious sick stung my eyeballs,
And the barf mixed with mucous and tears.
This wasn’t a pleasant adventure,
But I think that I’ve learned something from it:
Do not wear an arse as a helmet –
If you must do, please try not to vomit.
Bored: A Villanelle
I sometimes just get bored.
Television’s rarely great.
No things to look toward.
I’ll try and learn a seventh chord.
Or dress up Greek and drop a plate.
I sometimes just get bored.
My social life is somewhat flawed.
I’m bored of every single mate.
No things to look toward.
I’ll dig a hole and build a fjord
Or fight the dog and dominate.
I sometimes just get bored.
I’ll tease the cat until I’m gored,
Or learn how dolphins menstruate.
No things to look toward.
I’ll drink up like a lord.
And sit, and think, and contemplate.
I sometimes just get bored.
No things to look toward.
My 1980s Night In
I had a can of Vimto,
My kicks were looking bitchin’.
I didn’t have fresh plans tonight
So chilled there in my kitchen.
Mobiles weren’t invented yet,
I couldn’t buzz the gang,
So sat inside and had a drink,
Enjoying ’80s slang.
Jim Wins
Jim’s very handsome, I’m not so much,
I’m pretty awkward, Jim’s not as such.
Jim’s got some mucles, I’m pretty weak.
Jim’s really confident, I barely speak.
I got some biros, Jim learned to paint.
I had my stomach pumped, Jim showed restraint.
Jim wins at everything, I tend to fail.
I hugged a dolphin, Jim shagged a whale.
Casualty
I sat down in front of the telly
Awaiting my favourite show –
A long-running hospital drama,
23 years and counting, you know.
But where were the doctors and nurses?
I saw none, which caused some surprise.
Instead what I saw was a programme
Devoted to answering whys.
It tried to say why some things happen,
Explaining the galaxy’s laws
That most things have some kind of reason,
And most things have some kind of cause.
This wasn’t the show I expected
(That’s now in it’s 23rd season),
But a show about what makes what happen,
Explaining the science of reason.
And that was the moment I realised
That I’d been mistaken, because
The show that I’d watched wasn’t Casualty.
Causality, that’s what it was.
