What Is Lowestoft?

Go east until there’s no more east.
Keep going, child, and when you’ve ceased,
You’re in the town that bears that name,
Of Lil’ Chris and Darkness fame.
‘Tis Lowestoft that holds the crown
Of Suffolk’s second-largest town,
A place where crims and outlaws rule,
And Terry Butcher went to school.

Screening

I sat in a screening room watching a film
And neglected to switch off my phone.
It wasn’t deliberate, I just didn’t think,
As I sat in the movie alone.
And when it was over, the credits began
And I stayed there and sat through them all,
Then reached in my pocket and took out my phone,
To see who’d attempted to call.
I then was aware that I’d not switched it off,
But I saw no missed calls no be had,
So I just trundled out and I started off home,
Feeling slightly embittered and sad.
Nobody’d known that I’d been to a film,
They thought I was free for the night.
Why then had no-one attempted to call
With some plan to elicit delight?
And then from my pockets, a series of beeps!
I’d just had no signal inside.
My friend tried to ring as he’d fancied a pint
And I danced with unjustified pride.

Tonight’s Poem

So, where’s the tonight one?
I just didn’t write one.
I left it too late and I’m sorry.
It could have been good, right,
And I clearly should, right,
Get hit in the head with a lorry.

Singapore Noodles

Singapore noodles –
You cannot go wrong.
They don’t cost a lot
And they don’t take too long.
I rang up the place
And wandered around,
Picked up my noodles,
Tipped them a pound.
Popped in the offy,
Picked up some sweets,
And wandered back home
With my edible treats.
I got in my house,
And got out a plate,
And ate all my noodles,
And everything’s great.

Alliance

Hello you, here’s my idea,
Let’s form an alliance.
You’ve got upper body strength,
I know maths and science.
Hello you, our team will win
Everything on earth.
I’ve got knowledge, you’ve got power,
Look at what we’re worth.
Hello you, we’ve got it all,
We’ll win at everything,
And you can change your surname,
And maybe wear this ring.

No-Hands Cyclist

You there, riding your bike with no hands,
Yes you, you’re the one I’m addressing.
Who in the hell, you arrogant shit,
Do you buggering think you’re impressing?
You’re riding along with your hands by your sides
Chewing gum like you have no regard
For your safety, or anything really at all –
Looking effortless, trying quite hard.
You seem to expect us to all stop and stare,
And gawp at you, really amazed.
Well frankly, young man, I hope you fall off
And your helmet gets horribly grazed.

Domestic Abuse Pegasus

He came in late again today,
To nobody’s surprise,
And used his large and regal wings
To hide his blackened eyes.
We’ve had the talk a thousand times,
We’ll have it many more,
About how he should pack his bags
And head right out the door,
But every time we say a thing
He always starts to shout,
And says we don’t know nothing
And should keep our noses out.
He says she really loves him,
And that we don’t understand,
And it’s only due to love
That she will ever raise a hand.
And so it all continues,
Though nobody approves,
And last month she got wasted,
And she broke one of his hooves.
I hope he sees we’re right one day,
And hope he’s somehow able,
To leave her and their house behind
And meet somebody stable.

Wearing Black

There’s quite a lot of colours that my wardrobe seems to lack –
I seem to have a tendency to wear a lot of black.
I wondered whether maybe I should buy some stuff in white,
But asked my raven Crowley, and he said I looked all right.
My monster friend Abaddon said I dressed with lots of style
(I usually believe him as he’s been around a while).
My buddy Nosferatu said he digs the way I dress,
And I asked the zombie twins if I should change and none said yes.
My cannibal mate Izzy says it helps my silhouette,
So I’m sticking with the wardrobe (though it fucking makes me sweat).

Lift

We were stood in a lift, I was being a wally.
We’d all had a drink, I was feeling quite jolly,
And jumping around, as it made the lift rock,
Which freaked out this girl (I’m a bit of a cock).
But then came a creak, and we ground to a halt,
The lift had got jammed – it was my stupid fault.
I started to panic, the girl began crying.
“There’s no need to freak” I said, totally lying.
I pressed the alarm, which then fell off the wall –
It was mere decoration with no-one to call,
As was the camera installed in the ceiling.
Anxious and scared were the things I was feeling.
The noise in my ears was my deafening heart
As I pulled at the doors, which came slightly apart,
Revealing that we had got stuck between floors,
As concrete was all we could see through the doors.
Seconds ticked by, then minutes, then hours,
And then I recalled my plethora of powers.
With teleportation I jaunted away,
Appearing discreetly on Mezzanine A.
I stopped for a pint, then I got a technician,
And got him to work on the lift’s jammed position.
He fixed it quite soon, and the lady was free,
Emerging unharmed onto Mezzanine B.
“I hate you” she said, “You’re disgusting and rotten”.
“I’m a mutant” said I, “But I guess I’d forgotten”.

Ten Million

There’s ten million people in London.
That’s really one hell of a crowd.
But nobody really converses.
It seems that it isn’t allowed.
Nobody speaks to each other.
They sit there in solitary silence,
And if someone tries to start chatting,
You presume it’s a lead-up to violence.