The Unemployed Magician

I don’t get much call to do tricks any more.
Not since that time that I used the wrong saw.

Wrapping Presents

There’s really nothing pleasant about wrapping up a gift.
When papering a present it’s rare you get a lift.
You sort of have to do it, convention will dictate it,
You soldier on right through it even though you bloody hate it.

Respect Knuckles

I sometimes get a bit confused
When people shake my hand.
They sometimes chuck in extra bits
I don’t quite understand.
There’s slidy bits, and gripping,
And things you don’t expect,
And sometimes, only sometimes,
The knuckles of respect.
I don’t know what the knuckle means
Or where these people learned it.
I think there’s urban cred involved –
If so, I haven’t earned it.

Why This Hasn’t Been Updated Much Lately

I’ve buggered off on holiday,
My schedule’s gone to pot.
I thought I’d still update my site,
But haven’t done a lot.
It isn’t a deliberate thing,
I’ve just been rather busy,
Preoccupied with jetlag
And with drinking myself dizzy.

Power Nap Epic Fail

My mouth feels gross, my eyes are nailed, I slept an extra hour.
The nap part I am good at, but I struggle with the power.
It’s meant to be refreshing, help me beat my jet-lag faster,
Instead I’m late and feel like shit, a power nap disaster.

This Isn’t Where I’m Meant To Be

This isn’t where I’m meant to be,
My house is far away.
This journey’s gone a little wrong,
And wrecked my bastard day.
My plane sat on the runway
As the British weather’s shite,
So when I hit Helsinki,
I’d missed my second flight.
I should be sat in Hong Kong;
They diverted me through Seoul,
So now I’m bloody knackered
And I smell like someone’s hole.
I don’t know where my bags are,
They lost my bags last year –
They could be back in London
Or in Finland or Korea.

I Am Beer

I’m made out of fermented hops,
And sold in bars and pubs and shops.
I’m often cold and often fizzy,
And lots of me can make you dizzy.
I come in bottles, pints and cans
And figure lots in party plans.
Too much of me can make you vomit
But hopefully you learn things from it.

Punch The Villain, Arnie

Punch the villain, Arnie.
Fire the massive gun.
Have the wacky sidekick.
Watching you is fun.
Kiss the pretty lady.
Say the funny line.
Blow up all the baddies,
And everything is fine.

TV Licence People

With the TV licence people
I’m unfailingly polite.
I’ve not told one to fuck off
So I think I’ll be alright.

Celebrity

Everyone is equal, that’s how I have always felt,
Regardless of their status or the cards their lives have dealt.
I shan’t be swayed by wealth or creed or how good people look,
We’re people, we’re all people, we’re all equal in my book.
But it’s hard to feel egalitarian and all serene,
When the people in the room with you are stars of stage and screen,
And it’s hard to be all modest when you feel that effervescence,
That comes with the reality of famous peoples’ presence.
When somebody who’s with you has reached fame that is extreme,
It’s great for juicy anecdotes but shite for self-esteem.