Remember

Remember remember, November the fifth.
And here is the rhyme you remember it with.
The day that you set all those fireworks off?
That’s the day that comes after November the foff.

Honestly

Honestly
Honestly
I don’t know what to think.
Honestly
Honestly
I’m really full of drink.
Truthfully
Truthfully
I’m really kind of nailed,
Truthfully
Truthfully
Tonight I sort of failed.

I Gave Away My Woolly Hat

I gave away my woolly hat –
A pretty girl was cold.
And beautiful, and nice, and French,
A mere nineteen years old.
I felt my act showed chivalry
Was not completely dead,
But I don’t think she noticed that,
And I’ve a freezing head.

Drug Dog

I’m a dog who sniffs for drugs
Before you board a plane.
I’ve gone through loads of teaching
And I’ve got a great dog brain.
I’ll sniff in search of ketamine
Or sweet sweet Mary Jane,
But hoping I’ll find heroin
Or shitloads of cocaine.

Surprised By A Frenchman

“Parlez vous de bloody hell,
I’m effin’ flabberghasted.
Je vous pouve le shitting arse,
You onion-chomping bastard.”

Obscene Phone Calls

Obscene phone calls are rather fun,
But not if you’re receiving one.
This lesson has been quite enlightening –
I found that phone call rather frightening.

Closing Down Sale

“We’re going to have a massive sale!
We’re slashing all our prices!
Our manager’s been stricken
With an existential crisis!”

Breaking In A Toothbrush

If breaking in a toothbrush
Is the highlight of your week,
It doesn’t take a genius
To work out things are bleak.

Trimming My Stupid Facial Hair

Trimming my stupid facial hair
Will really be quite hard.
I’ve got the stupid trimmer
But I’ve lost the stupid guard.
I refuse to buy a new one
So I’ll grow a stupid beard,
And I’ll look all bloody stupid
And all trampy and all weird.

Decoration

Kitty litter, kitty litter.
A box, a tray, a thing of grit, a
Place where cats can come and shit, a
Venue unimproved by glitter.