If

If you had met the folks I’ve met
And done the things I’ve done,
If you had worked the hours I’ve worked,
And run the miles I’ve run,
If you had said what I have said
And seen what I did see –
If you had done these things, my friend,
You’d bloody well be me.

Light Bulb

This bulb’s one hundred and twenty watts.
That’s lots and lots and lots and lots.

Desmond Is A Zombie

Desmond is a zombie.
He lives inside a grave.
I rarely go to visit him
Because I’m not that brave.
There’s issues too with hygiene –
He doesn’t smell too fresh.
I think it’s mainly caused by
Des’s decomposing flesh.
I only feel prepared to face
That rotten rancid funk
When trying to impress a girl
Or when I’m really drunk.

My Mate Dick

My mate Dick’s a clever fellow.
He’s the bloke that wrote Othello.
He doesn’t get credit due to him,
Because he used a pseudonym.

Musical Talent

I’m talented musically.
Have no doubt of it.
Name me a key,
And I’ll sing out of it.

Growing My Hair

I’m tired of short hair.
I want a new style.
So I need to grow more,
But my hair takes a while
To grow, so I need now
To purchase a beanie,
To cover the hair
While it’s all in-betweenie.

Model

I’m a professional artist’s model.
Sometimes I pose nude.
Or sometimes I will pose as though
I am a bowl of food.

Four Lessons Farts Taught Me

1
Don’t eat seven tins of beans
If, later on, you’re meeting queens.
(I let one out while quite excited,
Upon my knees while being knighted.)

2
Cabbage as a breakfast food
Might later make folks think you’re rude
(Especially if you make a stench
While dining with Dame Judi Dench).

3
Eating eggs with every meal
Will not enhance the way you feel
(And the resultant eggy boff
May cause your wife to wander off).

4
Breakfast of a lamb jalfrezi
Is nothing short of outright crazy.
(I should have known where that was heading
Before I wrecked my daughter’s wedding.)

Brand New Word

I wanted to create a word
And use it in a poem,
As those I know are widely used
So people tend to know’em.
I sat and thought for hours and hours
Determined not to fail.
I did my best and gave my all –
Alas, to no avail.
I very sadly realised
That all decent words exist –
I’d set myself a target
But the target had been missed.
Crestfallen I lay down and sobbed.
I’d not fulfilled my destiny.
I’ve never felt so overwhelmed
With mericolonpestiny.

Neil Armstrong

You know when Neil Armstrong went to the moon, in 1969?
If he hadn’t had a spacesuit, then I would’ve lent him mine.